Let the wind takes you

So after i saw my friend's pictures in facebook, i was jealous. they were all taking photos for yearbook pictures. they all had a very amazing stuff they were wearing. it was just so nice to see. i started commenting each pictures one by one. it was a lovely sight, i couldn't not comment. then almost after each comments i gave, i could see another comment my friends made about how they yelled my name at the very end of the photo session.

"iya Da, tadi pas foto rame2 terakhir, kita teriak 'FIDAAAA!!'"

i was almost speechless and terharu. it was amazing how they still remembered me and still wanted me to took part of the session. although it was not a direct action, but they were willingly remembering me :'). i was always missing a great moment.

Then i went through my past for a while. remembering, reminiscing. i have always been moving back and forth, changing places to live, going to different schools each time, making new friends a lot of time. then i realized, i did miss a lot of great moments! i missed out on finishing Elementary school in Jakarta in 6th grade, instead i had Elementary school graduation in 5th grade. i had a little chance of experiencing Middle school, where many "first times" happened. which was funny, because this afternoon i was talking to Emily who was the first boy i have ever liked, in Middle school, Lari Juhani Laukia. he was Finnish.lol. then first boyfriend in 8th grade, till i moved away again and experienced first Long Distance relationship. anyway, but that's besides the point. i graduated Middle school in Global Jaya, the only and last year of school there. i took UAN, and signed up for several High schools. all went by smoothly when i picked a school and started over everything. meeting new people in a new environment, new courses and new habits of the school. then after 2 years, i did my next move to the neighbouring country, Malaysia--where again, i started over examining new place, new cultures and diversity, new friends and new environment. 

Only then after tonight, i realized how cowardly I am to escape where life was taking me. for example, i moved to Malaysia most probably to escape UAN, and several friends problem back there. i escaped. see how silly that was? it's awful. then i started thinking, since i've made that decision to leave, i've risked everything that i could have possibly done, yet i didn't. i'm risking of not going to Prom and graduation with my friends in Jakarta. i felt so depressed.

I talked to someone about it though. this person is sometimes a bit of annoyance in the progress, yet helpful at some times. tonight, he was pretty helpful. he asked about why my Personal Message was that way, and asked to tell him the whole story. then i did. i told him, i kept missing out the fun that my friends back home are having. then he said it was the risk that i had taken, so why should i complain? that's true. then he made me feel better by saying to look at the experiences that i had by doing all the moving and all the adapting-to-a-new-place thing. that it builds my own character. it helps to built a character by not depending on someone else all the time, such as parents, but to depend on your self to survive. THEY wouldn't know what we felt here, THEY have no idea how though it is to adapt here. THEY could say "it's only Malaysia, not much different there," but they just don't know. how we solved problems of not having to be able to go out every Saturday night. how we could start viewing that LOOKING GOOD and SOCIALIZED are not always the picture perfect situations you post on Facebook. it is how we adapt to the situations where we could only have fun when money was provided in the ATM, and when there are rides. other than that, we choose to have fun in many different ways.

It made me feel better to actually know that NOT MANY can survive as long as I have. take examples of people who had made it in Malaysia, took some course to study, they couldn't take what was coming for them and in the end, they went back to their home country for good. and never wanting to try to go back. that's what happened to some people. and I should be GRATEFUL that i'm not one of those people. it's shame when you have to waste your parents money to go back and forth and never finish your studies, and it's shame to let people close to you watch you become "unused and unemployed." so before i start giving up on hope and lose track caused by my short time mental break down, He applied some knowledge he learned: it was to make me feel proud and grateful of what i have now and to Let the wind takes you. 

hearts,xo.